Dear Aunt Mab,

"My sister and I have fought our entire lives.  I'm in my late 20s and she's in her early 30s and I assumed we would have grown close by now, but that clearly hasn't happened.   She annoys me and I can't stand the way she meddles in my life.  Should I just write her off except on holidays for the sake of the family?"

 


Aunt Mab says -

It's funny that rivalry never really ceases throughout life.  You never mention the word rivalry, but isn't that where it all began?  Kids are competitive by nature and often times they fail to realize that.  But when it includes family, it can have a lasting effect.  Your question reminds me of an episode of The Golden Girls where Blanche's sister comes out of the woodwork and asks her for a kidney.  Blanche of course is torn because a) she's in her twilight years and will most likely need that kidney soon and b) she can't stand the sight of her sister.  The two didn't exactly have a warm relationship over the years and out of nowhere her older sister seems to think she deserves a kidney.  Blanche eventually sees through her own jealousy stemming from their childhood and boards a plane to help save her sisters' life.  In the end, she wasn't a match, her sister found a suitable donor and the pair patched up their long-standing feud.  Wouldn't it be nice if real-life were as easy as TV?

Most sisters are borderline intolerable, it's a simple fact. At least in my family.  They're pushy know-it-alls but they're that way because they care.  If they didn't care, they wouldn't meddle.  Sure, their concern is often lost in their behaviour, but it's the only way they know how to make sure we're not screwing up.  Do you see any of this within your own relationship?  Maybe what you perceive as your sister's interference is really her way of reaching out to you?  Sometimes it's more difficult to tell a family member you care about them.

If she meddled in your life, but also made it clear that she cares about you and is concerned about your wellbeing, would it make her more tolerable?  Would you suddenly feel closer?  It's unfortunate, but it sometimes takes a death or an emergency to bring family closer together.  But why wait for something tragic to occur?  After all, what if it's your sister that's involved in the tragedy?  Would you be OK with the way your relationship panned out, or would you regret it?  These are all questions you must answer for yourself.  If you would sincerely be content knowing you made little effort to mend a broken relationship, then my best advice to you is to sit her down and tell her what you've told me.  Explain you don't appreciate the way she treats you and after all these years, you would rather have no contact at all (save for holidays) rather than leave your relationship as is.  Perhaps she is unaware of how she treats you?  Opening up a line of communication could bring change, and isn't it worth giving it one last shot?  At least for the sake of the entire family.

 

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