Dear Aunt Mab,
"The recent rumours about Lindsey Lohan, about her cutting herself are making me think about how I can help my girlfriend who is depressed and self harms. She is 25 and she has been doing it since her teens. We have talked about it, and I try to be supportive, but it really upsets me. Her mother says she is attention seeking and that I should give her an ultimatum, but I don't want to leave her. She says she is not suicidal and I believe her, so why does she harm herself and how can I help her? "
 
Evan
 
Laval, Quebec  
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Aunt Mab says -

Dear Evan,
 
Why is she doing it?
People who self harm do it as a response to an extreme emotional reaction that they cannot tolerate. For some people, a crisis can trigger a downward spiral of painful emotions that become so intense that in that moment the person cannot find a less extreme way to feel better.  
 
An important and urgent emotional need is not being met. Such an extreme demonstration is used in an attempt to be heard, even if only by the person themselves. It's important to understand that the person does not know how to communicate this need in a more appropriate way. Somewhere along the line, the self harmer has learned over time that communicating their true feelings would be met with a dismissive response or severe emotional or physical punishment. 
 
 
How you can help your girlfriend

Ultimatums don't work, punishment feeds the cycle of abandonment and rejection that the person feels. Be supportive to your girlfriend without supporting the self harm. You need to let her know that you care about her aside from what she is doing to cope with her emotions. Don't avoid talking about it, but let her bring up the subject when she feels safe to do so. If she is allwoed to talk about her emotions without fear of you running away, she may be able to get to the root of why she feels this way in the first place.  Having less of a visible reaction and offering more practical help can sometimes work, for instance getting her out of the house by going for a walk or going out to the movies. If she says she isn't suicidal she probably isn't lying. People who self harm don't automatically want to die, they just need relief from their emotional pain. However if she does mention suicide you need to take this seriously and call the number below.   

How you can support yourself
Getting some counselling yourself will help you deal with your girlfriends depression. Don't feel that you have to deal with this on your own.

 
 
 
 
 
 
Need Help Now? Call 911 or 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
http://www.suicide.org/

 
http://selfharm.net/

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