Dear Harriet

Firstly let me say that I am so glad that you are not in that situation now. There are many kinds of abusive relationships (not just ones that end in violence) and it sounds like you experienced a whole spectrum of crazy making behaviour from your ex.
 
Why did you stay? Don't punish yourself, you weren't stupid. You simply wanted to be loved.
Very few people willingly sign up for a bad relationship. It's not always the stereotype of a charming man with a secret side and of course there are abusive women in relationships too.

Often people have an image of what they want in a relationship, but it doesn't match up to the reality of the situation. You try over and over again to find the feeling that was there at the beginning.
 
Other times it's because a person has such low self esteem they feel like they are getting what they deserve and they dislike themselves more than they dislike the abuse, so it is a kind of warped validation of their own negative self image.
 
You did the right thing. You talked about it and you got help. Creating an identity for yourself that is not reliant upon a partner is an ongoing process and there are people who can help you do it. You are never alone.
 

Domestic violence can be perpetrated by both men and women. If you are in an abusive situation get help TODAY. Don't wait. Especially if you have children.
 
If you are in an abusive relationship please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), 
1-800-787-3224 (TTY) or contact your local domestic violence center to talk with someone about it.